Filipino Humor in businesses

1. A parlor in San Juan, Metro Manila: Cut & Face
2. A wholesaler of balut in Sto.Tomas, Batangas: Starducks
3. A fast food eatery in Nueva Ecija: Violybee
4. A small internet cafe: Cafe Pindot
5. In Manila, there's a laundry named: Summa Cum Laundry
6. A pet shop in Kamuning: Pakita Mo Pet Mo
7. A Bakery: Bread Pit
8. A bank in Alabang: Alabank
9. A noodle restaurant in Pampanga: Mekeni Rogers
10. A restaurant in Pasig: Johnnny's Fried Chicken: The 'Fried' of Marikina
11. A boxing gym in Taguig: Blow Jab
12. A tombstone maker in Antipolo: Lito Lapida
13. A copy center in Sikatuna Village: Pakopya ni Edgar
14. A beerhouse in Cavite: Chickpoint
15. A laundromat in Sikatuna: Star Wash: Attack of the Clothes
16. A kambingan restaurant: Sa Goat Kita
17. A beauty salon: Curl Up And Dye
18. A lugawan in Sta. Maria, Bulacan: Gee Congee
19. A water refilling station in Dapitan: Wa-Thirst
20. Along Sucat road, a store selling chicken feeds: Robocock
21. Shoe repair in Marikina: Dr. Shoe-Bago
22. A petshop: Petness First
23. Flower shop: Susan's Roses
24. A Taxicab: Income Taxi
25. A 2nd-hand watch store: 2nd Time Around
26. A squid stall in a wet market: Pusit to the Limit
27. A shrimp store: Hipon Coming Back
28. A car repair shop: Bangga ka 'day!
29. An aquatic pet store in Malolos: Fish Be With You
30. A beauty salon: Saudia Hairlines
31. A bakery: Anak Ng Tinapay
32. A Laundry: Wash Your Problem Here
33. Ice cream parlor: Dila Lang Ang Katapat
34. Chicharon store: Chicha Hut
35. A fishball cart along P. Campa St., near UST: Eat My Balls
36. A barbershop in Cagayan de Oro: Pinoy Big Barber
37. A Resto in Baclaran: The Last Supper
38. A goto resto: Goto Ko Pa!
39. Peanut vendor's cart with a funny name: Mani ni Papa
40. A Hair Salon in Makati: Hair We Go Again

Pinoy Vocabulary Part II

Contemplate - not enough pinggan
Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
Ice Buko - Is my hair ok?
Tenacious - Footwear for tennis
Calculator - Tawagan kita mamaya
Devastation - Dun sasakay ng bus
Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
Masturbation - Malawakang gutom
Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
Dedicated - pinatay ang pusa
Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
Deduct - Ang pato
Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
Persuading - Unang Kasal
Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
Evacuate - Ebak muna ako, you wait!
It depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isa (11)
Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na
ang tanghalian
Profit - Messenger of God
profit - patunayan mo
Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
backlog - bacon saka egg
beehive - magpakatino ka
cdrom - tingnan mo ang kwarto
debug - ang ipis
defrag - ang palaka
defense - ang bakod
defer - ang balahibo
deflate - ang plato
detest - ang eksamin
devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang 'V'
devote - ang boto
dilemma - brownout! , a!
effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
forums - apat na kwarto
july - nagsinungaling ka ba?
thesis - ito ay...

Pinoy Vocabulary Part I

KUNTIL - sobrang balat sa tenga
SMAKATUM - dumi sa tenga
SPRIKITIK - libag na naipon sa relo
KUYUKOT - tumbong
ASOGUE - buhok sa kili-kili
JABONGGA - sex
MULMUL - buhok sa gitna ng isang nunal
BAKTOL - ikatlong lebel ng mabahong amoy sa kili-kili
BARNAKOL - maitim na libag sa batok na naipon ng matagal na panahon
KABOODLE - kulangot
TUKNENENG - boiled quail eggs and fried with orange flour
KWEK KWEK - bigger version ng tukneneng
WENEKLEK - buhok sa utong
KALAMANTUTAY - mabahong pangalan
TONENG - sex
BAKTUNG - bakat utong
BAKTI - bakat panty
NGOTNGOT - spiral cord sa phone
PAKAPLOG - pinoy breakfast: pandesal, kape, itlog
TARUGO - maitim na ari
APIPAK - 2-4 na buhok na matatagpuan sa ibabaw ng hinlalaking
daliri sa paa
BUTUYTUY - pagkalalaki ng isang bata
TANGBURUROT - pururot na tae
PASAS - utong ng lola
KUKURIKAPU - libag sa ilalim ng boobs
URMOT - matubig na tae
TRIPOKTIK - huling droplets ng ihi
PUYUKOT - maliliit / mabibilog na piraso ng tae
TUBOL - malalaking piraso ng tae
BURNIK - taeng sumabit sa buhok ng pwet
BURIS - matubig na tae / parang gripo ang pwet
BULTOKATSI - tubig na tumatalsik sa pwet kapag nalaglag ang isang
malaking ebak

Recruitment Bloopers

What do you know about the call center Industry?

Applicant: The call ctr. industry is booming out, side by side, somewhere else. (Huuuwhaaat?)

Applicant: The call center is a booming industry for the past few days and I want to become part of that boom! (sumabog ka sana!)

Applicant: It's easy to be a call center, just looks arounds you, that why i want to become a call
center! (building ito!)

Out of nowhere:

Applicant: Oh im sorry, i sit corrected. (oo nga naman, nakaupo sha eh!)

Applicant: Im afraid to dead. I feel that im not ready to die.

Applicant: I usually play PS2 at night when there is no loud.

Recruiter: You look familiar. I think i already spoke to you before? Do you remember when you were last here?

Applicant: I think months from now. (psychic ito!)

Recruiter: Why do you want to work in a call center?

Applicant: From Manila Bulletin. (ang gulo... i drug test nyo na to')

Recruiter: Ah okay, but my question is, why do you want to work here?

Applicant: Well, I graduated from CEU with a course of blahblah..... (out...out...out....)

Applicant: I'm a work alcoholic.

Applicant: I'm the eldest and the only child in our family. (arrrgggghhh...ADIK KA!)

Applicant: I'm a hardworking...(yes..please continue...)

Hallmark Cards

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me .

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

1 7. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time...
(inside card) - What do you say we stop?

The Magical Saliva of Agaf

One day a boy named Agaf was incredibly horny. He loved the queen. Just one suck of those huge firm tits would make him happy for life. He went to the village elder (wise man) to find out how to cure his quarms.

"I need to suck the queens breasts," Agaf said. "How much are you paying?" the elder asked. "Nothing is free!" "A million pounds," Agaf lied. He was going to get the suck and then not pay becase once he had the suck nothing else mattered. "OK."

So the elder sneaked into the castle and poured some itching powder into the queens bra. The itch would last two whole days. When the queen put on her bra a horrible itch ran around her
breasts. She was screaming all through the night. The pain was absurd.

In the morning the king had had enough of the screaming so the king asked the elder for help, as you do! Everything was going to plan so far!

"Elder," the king said. "My wife is in immense pain because she has got a pain in her breasts." "I know what to do!" the elder said. "Go to the hut of Agaf. He is the only one wth the magical saliva to cure the itch. You will have to let him suck your wifs breasts for ten minutes and tommorow it will have gone." The king wasn't happy about this but he agreed.

So Agaf was called up and he sucked them for ten minutes flat, and the itch stopped that night because it only lasted for two days anyway.

So then the elder called in Agaf and said, "You got your wish. Now pay me!" "No chance wanker!" Agaf said and walked out.

So the elder thought long and hard for a punishment, something that would be bad for Agaf. He thought and thought, until he got it...

That very night, he sneaked back to the castle and poured the remaining powder in the King's underwear.

Women's quotes

Behind every successful woman is herself.

A woman is like a tea bag...
You don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Coffee, chocolate, men.
Some things are just better rich.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy...
I did it right the first time.

If you want breakfast in bed,
sleep in the kitchen.

Words women use

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Filipinism 101

These are the words that are so unique and loaded in meaning that they will never find a direct translation in the English language. Forget traditional dictionaries. Keep this.

1. Achuchu (A-chu-chu). This refers to the pointless insincerities being said during long, involved conversations about nothing at all.

2. Ano (A-noh) The all-around, all-purpose word for everything.

(1) Pronoun in interrogation: Ano? (What)

(2) Noun: Where is your ano? (Where is your father/mother/dead-uncle's-second-cousin)

(3) Verb: Anuhin this. (Paint/kill/maim/castrate this.)

(4) Adjective: This is so ano. (This is so pretty/big/astounding.)

(5) Interjection: Ano! (What the hell!)

(6) Substitute for genitalia: Did you ano your ano?

The use of ano is quite dangerous for the untrained ear, and must be put into the proper setting. "Honey, the ano is too long, we have to cut it," must be accompanied by the proper understanding of the context, as results may be critical to a couple's future.

3. Booba (boo-bah). A female blessed with larger than usual mammary glands, which can be used as weapons of mass destruction.

4. Checheboreche (Che-che-boh-re-che) Same as achuchu. It is interesting to ponder on the reason why there are so many words in the Filipino language that beautifully describe meaningless chatter.

5. Epal (Eh-pal). An individual who believes he is God.

6. Gigil (gee-gil). An uncontrollable desire to bite something.

7. Hipon (Hee-pon). Literally "shrimp," whose body is eaten while its head is thrown away, this refers to a female whose body is to die for and whose face looks like it belongs to the dead.

8. Kikay (kee-kay). Refers to individuals who carry a brush, hand wash, moisturizer, lip-gloss and various other facial enhancements in a case (aptly called a kikay kit) inside her bag. Recent inspections of various backpacks have led to the conclusion it is not a purely female trait. This breed cannot resist checking themselves out on mirrors, glass windows, bread knives, sidewalk puddles and plastic-covered notebooks.

9. Kaekekan (Ka-ek-e-kahn) Same as achuchu and chechebureche.

10. Kilig (keel-leg). A rush of excitement due to the actions, presence or even mention of he whom you see as the future father of your children.

11. Laglag-brip (lag-lag-brip). The female counterpart of laglag-panti

12. Laglag-panti (lag-lag-pan-tee). A man so incredibly hot, so heart-stoppingly gorgeous and oozing with masculinity that female underwear (whether worn by males or females) falls to the ground without effort whatsoever.

13. Indyanero (In-jan-neh-ro). An individual who fails to appear at an appointment without prior warning. Not to be confused with individuals who appear according to Filipino time (approximately 10 minutes before the meeting is to end)

14. Japorms (Jah-porms). Describes an individual dressed differently from the usual (typically involves clothes that have been laundered and pant legs of roughly the same length).

15. Lagot (Lah-got) A prophesy of evil things to come.

16. Para (Pah-rah). A term that informs the driver of a jeep to stop and pause (usually in the middle of the road) as the individual speaking intends to leave the vehicle. Dangerous for individuals as drivers seem to believe having one foot in the air is all that is necessary for descent.

17. Takusa (Ta-kuh-sa). Derived from takot sa asawa (afraid of wife), this is a term used to describe the silent (very silent) minority of males married to feminine reincarnations of Hitler.

18. Torpe (tore-peh). A gentleman who is desperately attracted to a female yet by some strange compulsion is reduced to a frozen mound of stuttering male whenever that female is near.

Armed with this list and a smile, you will be sure to make the proper impression not just on your new relations, but on your loved one as well.

Now let's practice:

"Honey, when I first saw you, I made laglag brip, and was almost torpe. When I finally got the nerve to date you, I almost became indyanero, because I didn't think I had the right japorms. When you're around, I'm kilig, when you're not, I get gigil. You may think all this is achuchu, kaekekan, just chechecoreche, but in truth, my love, I'm so ano with you."

Recent discoveries

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians".

One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 500 meters, Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology".

Please follow instructions

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Bank of Canada

This is a joke that should bring you luck.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone
to whom it is sent.

Have a happy day!

God Bless!!!

Why women can't find the man of their dreams

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, love much.

* They say, when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true.

What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.

The Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisser her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

The husband continues, "If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us! Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!"